"Were you alone when your parents died?"

This is a question my son Quinn asked me today. Out of the blue. He asks a lot about what happened and when it happened, he asks to see their urns (yes they are both on my book shelf) and wonders if they can see him in return. Sometimes I don't know how to answer his questions. I am not religious, I am an atheist. I don't believe in a higher power or being created in 7 days and the whole Adam and Eve thing. I believe in evolution, I am scientific in thought. However, how do I answer my 5 year old when he asks if my parents can see him?

Religion is based on a belief system, many people believe different things. Jesus, Buddah, etc. I happen to not need to believe in those things, but I can understand that people do need to. I guess I need to believe my parents are with us. However they are is a mystery, but I KNOW they are. Just as I know I finally got my girl, NO, two girls because somewhere my mom pulled some strings.

My mother, as most of you who knew her know, LOVED babies. She loved kids, loved babies, wanted a ton of grandchildren. When Jake was born he literally light up her whole world. It was love at first positive pregnancy test for her. Jake and my mother shared an intense bond, and most of my pain over her illness and death was because of Jake losing her. When I met Jared she accepted Cody and Kyle with open arms. They were just as spoiled as Jake. She took them shopping (her favorite thing to do was shop and spoil people). At my 29th birthday, right in front of Jared before we were even married, she gave me a nightie and told him "I want more grandchildren." Four months later I was pregnant with Quinn. She screamed with excitement when I told her I was pregnant with him. She was in Ocean City that weekend and of course, came home with baby stuff already! She was so thrilled. Then she got sick. And she never got to meet Quinn or hold him. After she died I found bags of baby clothing and blankets and bibs and all kinds of stuff in her closet. Some boy and some girl. Her hope for a granddaughter never died, and I truly believe after 4 boys Jared and I were blessed with two sweet baby girls because she had something to do with it. She would have been ecstatic over all of them, over having 6 beautiful grandchildren to spoil and love.

She has come to me a few times in my dreams with baby advice. She told me how to fix Quinn's bottle issues and also how to fix Hadley's terrible colic. I wish she would tell me how to get Delaney to sleep through the night already! But I don't think she knows that one since my brother didn't sleep through til 2 years old!

When I look at Delaney I see my mother. I have said that from the moment she was born. Laney looks like my baby pictures, and I see myself in her a lot. Of course I then see my mother. She has my mother's mouth and chin, the same cleft chin my mom had. She has darker hair like my mother, and a more olive complexion. As you all know Jared and I are the palest people and Quinn and Hadley are practically transparent. It breaks my heart my mom isn't here to enjoy them.

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. But for the life of me I can't find the reason my parents are gone so soon. Yes it has made me, and my brother for sure, stronger people. We stand more on our own two feet. Financially it helped Jared and I buy our house, but I would rather still be renting and have them here. I will say I am terrified of getting older. My father was 54 and my mother 55 when they died. Those ages loom in my future like a big black hole. I am terrified to be gone in 20 years and miss my children's adulthoods. Miss my girls getting married and having their babies. Miss my grandchildren, miss years with Jared traveling like we want to. Of course I know there's no guarantee I will die then, just like I could die tomorrow or when I am 105 for all I know.

So back to the original question "Were you alone when your parents died?" No, thankfully I wasn't. My dad was with my mother watching a movie on a Saturday night, and he had a stroke and died. I wasn't there, I didn't get to say good-bye. I was with a guy I was dating at the time Mike, he stayed with us all night and cleaned up the mess from the paramedics. I will be forever grateful to him for that. I wasn't there when my mother died either, but I wasn't alone. Jared, Jonathan, Beth, my mom's best friend Georgie, and I were all at the hospital for hours, we knew the end was near. She wasn't coherent, I don't know if she knew we were there. I was 6 months pregnant with Quinn and finally at 10pm we left to get something to eat and some rest. We ordered a pizza, Jonathan and Beth left to go home, and we all went to bed. At 12:20am I got the phone call from the hospital. It had happened a little after midnight. We went back to the hospital and sat with her for a little while, and then we went home and Jared was with me. And of course the tiny life in my belly, so no Quinn I wasn't alone. You were there with me.

My first blog

This is my first blog ever. I don't know how many will read it or be interested in it, but here it is.

My blog address says it all. Just the 8 of us Greens. Though technically Jake isn't a Green, we say he is when he's with us in our family. I can't imagine how strange it is for Cody, Kyle, and Jake to have 2 different families. Two different houses, two different room. Well, Cody doesn't live here or have a room here, but still. I often wonder what life they like better? It's crazy and chaotic and loud here. At Kyle's mom's house I bet it's quiet and calm. I think it's the same for Jake either way, LOL.

The main thing Jared and I hear always is "WHOA! You have SIX kids??" Yes, yes we do. Was that intended? I don't know. When we got married we didn't say "Oh we will have a ton of kids." It just happened. Yours mine and ours. It's a lot, but honestly it's 6x the love, 6x the worries, and 6x the fun. Jared and I go to bed every night thankful and grateful that all of them are happy, healthy, and relatively good kids, LOL.

Last year we took our first family vacation with all 6 of them, plus 2 girlfriends. 10 of us. At first the thought overwhelmed me, but it turned out to be the best vacation we have ever had. It just works. The little ones adore the big ones, the big ones help out with the little ones, and in between there's fighting, annoyance, tons of laundry, huge messes, lots of laughter, and tons of hugs. I am grateful everyday for our life and my family.

Growing up family has always been extremely important to me. Mine was very small. My brother and I didn't get along well, which I guess is usual if there's 5 years between you. We didn't have much in common. My Dad worked 3rd shift so I saw him rarely, my Mom worked retail, so there were night she wasn't home. We didn't spend much time with family other than visits with my mom's parents a few times a year. I have no cousins on her side, my Dad's side there's cousins but we weren't that close to them. We moved away and it was us, the 4 of us. And I honestly think half the time we didn't like one another that much. I always wanted a big family to sit around the kitchen table, lots of talking and laughing. Now we have it. We have 8 chairs at our table and every one of them is full.

Jared grew up the total opposite of me. He is the youngest of 6. His oldest brother is 10 years older, so 6 kids in 10 years. That amazes me. It sounds like they were all close and happy, Delaney is the 22nd grandchild (I think) and there are 13 great-grandchildren and 2 more babies on the way! My kids have the family I always dreamed of. Chances are around here if you meet a Green, we're related! LOL.

I think I had to let go of a lot of my inner "stuff" to adjust to our lives. As I sit here Quinn and Hadley are chasing each other around the house, literally. It's never quiet here, and if it is there's something wrong. Delaney is jumping in her jumperoo yelling at the top of her lungs, the dog is trying to sniff the car who is NOT having it, and half our family isn't even home yet! There are toys and dog hair everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink and dishwasher, laundry piling up, the driveway has to be shoveled, and it's just another day in our lives. I had to let go of what I consider to be a "clean" house, and just deal with the messes as best I can. My car will never be pretty and spotless. In my head I keep a tally of everyone's clothing sizes, shoe sizes, birthdays, likes, dislikes, favorite colors, so when I see a sale I pounce on it! LOL clothing and buying shoes for them all is expensive. But they all have what the need and when they need it, somehow we make it work.