"Were you alone when your parents died?"

This is a question my son Quinn asked me today. Out of the blue. He asks a lot about what happened and when it happened, he asks to see their urns (yes they are both on my book shelf) and wonders if they can see him in return. Sometimes I don't know how to answer his questions. I am not religious, I am an atheist. I don't believe in a higher power or being created in 7 days and the whole Adam and Eve thing. I believe in evolution, I am scientific in thought. However, how do I answer my 5 year old when he asks if my parents can see him?

Religion is based on a belief system, many people believe different things. Jesus, Buddah, etc. I happen to not need to believe in those things, but I can understand that people do need to. I guess I need to believe my parents are with us. However they are is a mystery, but I KNOW they are. Just as I know I finally got my girl, NO, two girls because somewhere my mom pulled some strings.

My mother, as most of you who knew her know, LOVED babies. She loved kids, loved babies, wanted a ton of grandchildren. When Jake was born he literally light up her whole world. It was love at first positive pregnancy test for her. Jake and my mother shared an intense bond, and most of my pain over her illness and death was because of Jake losing her. When I met Jared she accepted Cody and Kyle with open arms. They were just as spoiled as Jake. She took them shopping (her favorite thing to do was shop and spoil people). At my 29th birthday, right in front of Jared before we were even married, she gave me a nightie and told him "I want more grandchildren." Four months later I was pregnant with Quinn. She screamed with excitement when I told her I was pregnant with him. She was in Ocean City that weekend and of course, came home with baby stuff already! She was so thrilled. Then she got sick. And she never got to meet Quinn or hold him. After she died I found bags of baby clothing and blankets and bibs and all kinds of stuff in her closet. Some boy and some girl. Her hope for a granddaughter never died, and I truly believe after 4 boys Jared and I were blessed with two sweet baby girls because she had something to do with it. She would have been ecstatic over all of them, over having 6 beautiful grandchildren to spoil and love.

She has come to me a few times in my dreams with baby advice. She told me how to fix Quinn's bottle issues and also how to fix Hadley's terrible colic. I wish she would tell me how to get Delaney to sleep through the night already! But I don't think she knows that one since my brother didn't sleep through til 2 years old!

When I look at Delaney I see my mother. I have said that from the moment she was born. Laney looks like my baby pictures, and I see myself in her a lot. Of course I then see my mother. She has my mother's mouth and chin, the same cleft chin my mom had. She has darker hair like my mother, and a more olive complexion. As you all know Jared and I are the palest people and Quinn and Hadley are practically transparent. It breaks my heart my mom isn't here to enjoy them.

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. But for the life of me I can't find the reason my parents are gone so soon. Yes it has made me, and my brother for sure, stronger people. We stand more on our own two feet. Financially it helped Jared and I buy our house, but I would rather still be renting and have them here. I will say I am terrified of getting older. My father was 54 and my mother 55 when they died. Those ages loom in my future like a big black hole. I am terrified to be gone in 20 years and miss my children's adulthoods. Miss my girls getting married and having their babies. Miss my grandchildren, miss years with Jared traveling like we want to. Of course I know there's no guarantee I will die then, just like I could die tomorrow or when I am 105 for all I know.

So back to the original question "Were you alone when your parents died?" No, thankfully I wasn't. My dad was with my mother watching a movie on a Saturday night, and he had a stroke and died. I wasn't there, I didn't get to say good-bye. I was with a guy I was dating at the time Mike, he stayed with us all night and cleaned up the mess from the paramedics. I will be forever grateful to him for that. I wasn't there when my mother died either, but I wasn't alone. Jared, Jonathan, Beth, my mom's best friend Georgie, and I were all at the hospital for hours, we knew the end was near. She wasn't coherent, I don't know if she knew we were there. I was 6 months pregnant with Quinn and finally at 10pm we left to get something to eat and some rest. We ordered a pizza, Jonathan and Beth left to go home, and we all went to bed. At 12:20am I got the phone call from the hospital. It had happened a little after midnight. We went back to the hospital and sat with her for a little while, and then we went home and Jared was with me. And of course the tiny life in my belly, so no Quinn I wasn't alone. You were there with me.