Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet. You've heard it all before. The quotes about having a child means your heart now walks around outside of your body. And it's true. No matter what decisions you make in your life after having a child, those decisions have an impact on that child/children. From something as simple as what school district to live in, what foods you buy at the grocery store, to more heavy things like divorce, working outside the home, or being a stay at home mom.
I have made a lot of tough decisions in my life. Some were easy, and some were harder. I consider myself to be a strong person. I have survived having my legs broken in 14 places and my foot crushed to the point they almost amputated. I have survived losing both of my parents at a young age. I have survived an abusive relationship. I have survived asthma that has had me near death more times than I care to count. I have had a total of 14 surgeries in my life, and my body bares 21 scares (yes I have counted, LOL). I live with physical pain everyday from my foot and my knee. I have survived divorce and being a mother in my mother's home.
But none of that can prepare you for the trauma you feel when you make a decision that you know will impact your child. Becoming a mother the first time was the biggest miracle of my life. I only had a short time to enjoy Jake before having to make the decision whether or not to remain married to his father. I made my decision and left, and I don't regret it; however there is still guilt.
Since then I have made some bad decisions about relationships, and also some wonderful ones about creating a new family for my son and myself. I moved away from familiar territory and now my son is in a school district that is helping him so much with learning difficulties. I made the decision to give Jake brothers and sisters, yes a lot of them, but my worst fear was him not having any.
As a mother I have been both a stay at home mom, and a working mother. I have done part time hours, full time hours, crazy hours, steady hours, I have done it all. Each comes with guilt. When Jake was a baby and I worked 6-11pm so he didn't have to go to daycare, I felt guilty I wasn't there to tuck him in at night or feed him dinner. When I worked steady 9-5 I felt guilty because I missed school functions, or sometimes it was Grandma who was there when my babies were sick. When I worked retail and my hours changed at all times, I felt guilty being exhausted all the time, or shuffling them around from here to there, they never knew if I was coming or going. Now that I have been home I feel guilty they are just with me all the time.
And I feel guilty because being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever had, though when I work outside the home that's all I want is to be home with them. I feel guilt towards other moms. When I complain the kids are driving me crazy, I hear from working moms "I wish I could be home with my kids all the time, I would give anything for that." When I am working and complaining about how hard it is to juggle everything I hear from stay at home moms saying "But you are so lucky to get out and be useful and talk to adults."
For a mother there is no winning. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Do fathers feel this way? Do they long to be a stay at home dad, yet when they are do they long for adult conversation and time away? So they stress themselves over the guilt either way? Maybe some do, but I don't think they do. I am sure they want to be home when they are at work, because who doesn't?
It's only been the past 30-40 years that women have really started leaving their families to work outside the home. In reality that's not a long time for such change in society. Our country has one of the worst policies for maternity leave. Other countries such as Canada and Australia get 1 full year to be with their new babies. In our country most of us mothers are lucky to get 6-8 weeks, and then it's never full pay so our households suffer income loss. How can we be productive in either environment when we are still recovering from having a child? A child at 6 weeks we might not even totally understand yet? Sleep deprived, our bodies still recovering from giving birth, we're expected to go to work and hand over our babies and be productive at our jobs.
I have been very fortunate to have been home with my babies for a decent amount of time. Jake was 12 weeks, Quinn 10 months, Hadley 4 months (but then I went back part time), and Laney has been almost 9 months so far. I am extremely lucky and extremely grateful, I want to make sure I say that. I am grateful to my husband for not pushing me to go back to work, though I know financially it would be easier on us. I am grateful to be the one tucking in my kids every night and waking up with them every morning. I am with them when they are sick. I am with them when they are sweet. I am with them when they are bad. It's me they turn to.
And I am fucking exhausted.
This is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. THE hardest actually. There are no lunch breaks. There is no locking up the house and going home. There's no hitting a snooze button when you just want 5 more minutes of sleep. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because we all know when they are sick, or hurt, or up in the middle of the night, who do they want? Mommy. I know that if I worked they would still want me, and I would still be exhausted, but going to work you are responsible for yourself. You're not wiping co-workers boogers or cleaning their poopy butts. And if you work in an environment like a daycare where you ARE doing that, you still have co-workers to help you out. You get a lunch or break period where you walk away and eat a meal, maybe read a magazine and pee in peace. No one is standing outside the bathroom door crying because they want to come in. When you're eating your lunch, you're not going to have co-workers asking for bites or stealing your chips. If you step outside you're not going to come back to find someone completely destroyed your desk and broke your lamp.
Then when you finally get the opportunity to go out, meet up with other mothers and have lunch, all you do it sit and talk about the kids! Not a bad thing of course, but are men like that? No. Men are allowed to have outside interests. Sports, hobbies, whatever it is. They go for a beer with their friends and talk sports or whatever it is they talk about. You might get a "How's the family?" The answer is "Good." And that's it. Do they talk about cures for diaper rash or trying to trick your toddler into eating more? Nope. Do they have the guilt mothers do when they aren't home? Nope. It's expected fathers have their own lives. Even the kids know it. Usually it's mommy they come to for everything first, THEN daddy as a last resort. Hell even the pets do this. My dog comes to me first if she needs anything. Because she knows at 2am who's going to haul their ass out of bed and put shoes on so she can pee? Mom is.
Then you have the men who say no to having more kids. This ALWAYS cracks me up. Their part takes 5 seconds for the sperm to find the egg. After that, it's 90% the mother. It's just nature. I think they just don't want to be inconvenienced with having to listen to pregnant women bitch or babies cry.
Back to the subject, as a mother I feel like when I escape (yes, I use the word escape) the house child free, I feel like a teenager skipping school. I get so excited I text my friends "Wow, going to get gas KID FREE!" And they understand what a great and wonderful thing that is. Men just leave. It' a bigger deal for them to take a child, then it is not to.
Then when you DO get a planned time out, it's the 3rd degree. When are you coming home? How long will you be gone? Why do you need to sit and talk to your friends for 2 hours? How long does it take to eat lunch? As long as I damn well want it to! I get a break and now it's a limited time frame?
I guess I should be thankful and lucky I get a break, that I get an hour to go and meet up with a friend. Some women don't get even that.
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