I haven't written for a few days, I was extremely busy and also my husband was home, which meant limited computer time for me.
Our 6th wedding anniversary is approaching on February 12th, the longer than either of our first marriages were. In some ways I can't believe it's been 6 years for us, and in others it feels like we've been together forever. To me, our marriage has been a very easy going one. Of course we fight occasionally, who doesn't? Usually it's about money, and the lack of it or what we're going to spend it on when we DO have it. I would say he and I have a good marriage, we laugh a lot, we have an amazing family. We drive each other crazy, in good ways and bad, LOL.
We were never traditional from the start. I found him on match.com, and we emailed and then talked on the phone a few weeks before we met in person. Our first date was at Chili's in Whitehall on February 18, 2004. I remember he wore a blue sweater and I thought he was way too skinny for my taste. But he was funny, and loved his kids, and I loved his bald head. I brought him a gift and loved the expression on his face when I said I had brought him a thong. A book thong, since we both love to read. He still uses it to this day. He brought me flowers, but had left them in the car in case our date was a dud.
From the start we hardly ever had kid-free time. The first month or two, and our dates were just us, but soon we introduced each other to our boys, and then them to each other. After that our time was basically spent with kids, so we never really had that alone time most marriages have. We jumped right in with both feet.
I proposed to him, on October 3rd 2004. We were celebrating my best friend's 30th birthday and at a hotel, and drinking, and I just asked him. He didn't think I was serious at first, but I was dead serious. I knew I loved him and his boys, and he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He is truly my other half. After he realized I was serious, he said yes of course. Both our families were thrilled.
We were actually married twice. First time we eloped to Las Vegas, just the two of us. We waited in a LONG line at the Las Vegas courthouse for a marriage license on Valentine's weekend. Then at 10:30pm we took a limo to a little wedding chapel and were married by Reverend Cotton. He was a big black man, and his assistant was the witness and videographer AND the photographer. I carried a bouquet of plastic flowers I picked from a few choices hanging on a wall. It was rather funny, and I tried not to laugh through it. I wore a long peach colored dress I bought at David's Bridal on clearance, and Jared wore black pants and a cranberry colored shirt and a black tie. We exchanged plain silver wedding bands I bought at weddingbands.com. Afterwards we went back to the Luxor and changed clothes, and then headed to New York, New York and rode the roller coaster. We then gambled! It was perfect and so us.
The second time we decided to have a big vow renewal, where our friends and family could be there and we could officially join our two families into one. We got remarried at the Maryvale Castle in Maryland, and it was beautiful. Our ceremony was about joining our families, and each of us poured our own color sand into a cylander to represent each of us joining into one family.
We plan on renewing again, in the Bahamas for our 10 year. Maybe that's the secret of our success so far? We keep getting married? LOL.
I worry about some of our friends, who are having marriage problems. A good relationship doesn't have drama. It's give and take, and there's no questioning loyalties. I didn't realize this until I was almost 30 years old. There's never any question about love and if it's there, and if there is a problem you should be able to talk it through.
I'm not saying we're perfect, I know we're not. But the security of a good relationship/marriage feels so good. Rich or poor, kids or no kids, if you feel that security and that love, you can overcome anything.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I can almost breath a sigh of relief
Every year Jared and I feel like we hold our breaths through the months of December and January. It seems like for us, everything is shoved into these two months of the year. We obviously have Christmas, which with 6 kids is a HUGE financial endeavor. We try and limit spending, of course, find deals and shop sales. And though every year I panic I will never be able to do it, every year they all have a great Christmas and Santa gets them what they wanted.
Added to Christmas are birthdays out the wazoo. It's a slow build up of birthdays starting in November actually. Jared's is the 7th, my goddaughter is the 18th. Then there's Thanksgiving, and that meal alone costs a small fortune. Then hits December, and all hell breaks loose. My birthday is the 3rd, my niece is the 4th. Another niece is the 18th, and then Christmas hits.
We have a small break until January. For us January is craziness. Quinn's birthday is January 6th, so not only did he get a mountain of gifts for Christmas, two weeks later he's getting more. By this point we're counting change and thinking we need a bigger house.
Then Hadley's birthday hits on the 17th. Her toys are smaller it seems, but no less expensive. Somewhere in there we have a party for their birthdays. I feel all little kids should have a birthday party!! Last year we did a joint party at McDonald's and it seems to go ok. Wasn't too incredibly expensive, and the best part is there's no clean up at my house.
This year I lost my mind and have a joint party at my house. Why? If I decide to do this again next year I want someone to slap me. Hard. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing party. The kids had SO much fun, a lot of people came and made them feel extra special. We all had fun, but my little house was busting at the seams. My poor nephew fell and needed stitches; I felt awful about that.
We also have birthday dinners for the kids on their actual birthdays, and they get to pick what they want. More presents, more cooking, more singing. More cake. I think we spend a small fortune on cakes alone in the month of January. We've had 5 cakes this month in our house. Last night was Cody's birthday dinner, his 19th birthday was on Sunday the 23rd. My godson's 3rd birthday is on the 29th, and we have his party and another friend's birthday party this coming weekend. Then the following weekend is my friend Beth's little boys birthday party. Good thing I save gift bags. If anyone gets a gift bag back that you gifted to us, I apologize! It seems the month of April is an extremely lucky month for Jared, since 3 of his kids are born in January.
Then we can breathe. Actually we got in bed last night and took a deep breath and said "We're done til March" With birthday parties for other kids we just show up with a present and have fun. March starts the craziness all over again. Jake is March 26th and Kyle March 29th.
At least Delaney isn't until May 7th. Then we're home free until November again!
Added to Christmas are birthdays out the wazoo. It's a slow build up of birthdays starting in November actually. Jared's is the 7th, my goddaughter is the 18th. Then there's Thanksgiving, and that meal alone costs a small fortune. Then hits December, and all hell breaks loose. My birthday is the 3rd, my niece is the 4th. Another niece is the 18th, and then Christmas hits.
We have a small break until January. For us January is craziness. Quinn's birthday is January 6th, so not only did he get a mountain of gifts for Christmas, two weeks later he's getting more. By this point we're counting change and thinking we need a bigger house.
Then Hadley's birthday hits on the 17th. Her toys are smaller it seems, but no less expensive. Somewhere in there we have a party for their birthdays. I feel all little kids should have a birthday party!! Last year we did a joint party at McDonald's and it seems to go ok. Wasn't too incredibly expensive, and the best part is there's no clean up at my house.
This year I lost my mind and have a joint party at my house. Why? If I decide to do this again next year I want someone to slap me. Hard. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing party. The kids had SO much fun, a lot of people came and made them feel extra special. We all had fun, but my little house was busting at the seams. My poor nephew fell and needed stitches; I felt awful about that.
We also have birthday dinners for the kids on their actual birthdays, and they get to pick what they want. More presents, more cooking, more singing. More cake. I think we spend a small fortune on cakes alone in the month of January. We've had 5 cakes this month in our house. Last night was Cody's birthday dinner, his 19th birthday was on Sunday the 23rd. My godson's 3rd birthday is on the 29th, and we have his party and another friend's birthday party this coming weekend. Then the following weekend is my friend Beth's little boys birthday party. Good thing I save gift bags. If anyone gets a gift bag back that you gifted to us, I apologize! It seems the month of April is an extremely lucky month for Jared, since 3 of his kids are born in January.
Then we can breathe. Actually we got in bed last night and took a deep breath and said "We're done til March" With birthday parties for other kids we just show up with a present and have fun. March starts the craziness all over again. Jake is March 26th and Kyle March 29th.
At least Delaney isn't until May 7th. Then we're home free until November again!
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's tough being a mother
Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet. You've heard it all before. The quotes about having a child means your heart now walks around outside of your body. And it's true. No matter what decisions you make in your life after having a child, those decisions have an impact on that child/children. From something as simple as what school district to live in, what foods you buy at the grocery store, to more heavy things like divorce, working outside the home, or being a stay at home mom.
I have made a lot of tough decisions in my life. Some were easy, and some were harder. I consider myself to be a strong person. I have survived having my legs broken in 14 places and my foot crushed to the point they almost amputated. I have survived losing both of my parents at a young age. I have survived an abusive relationship. I have survived asthma that has had me near death more times than I care to count. I have had a total of 14 surgeries in my life, and my body bares 21 scares (yes I have counted, LOL). I live with physical pain everyday from my foot and my knee. I have survived divorce and being a mother in my mother's home.
But none of that can prepare you for the trauma you feel when you make a decision that you know will impact your child. Becoming a mother the first time was the biggest miracle of my life. I only had a short time to enjoy Jake before having to make the decision whether or not to remain married to his father. I made my decision and left, and I don't regret it; however there is still guilt.
Since then I have made some bad decisions about relationships, and also some wonderful ones about creating a new family for my son and myself. I moved away from familiar territory and now my son is in a school district that is helping him so much with learning difficulties. I made the decision to give Jake brothers and sisters, yes a lot of them, but my worst fear was him not having any.
As a mother I have been both a stay at home mom, and a working mother. I have done part time hours, full time hours, crazy hours, steady hours, I have done it all. Each comes with guilt. When Jake was a baby and I worked 6-11pm so he didn't have to go to daycare, I felt guilty I wasn't there to tuck him in at night or feed him dinner. When I worked steady 9-5 I felt guilty because I missed school functions, or sometimes it was Grandma who was there when my babies were sick. When I worked retail and my hours changed at all times, I felt guilty being exhausted all the time, or shuffling them around from here to there, they never knew if I was coming or going. Now that I have been home I feel guilty they are just with me all the time.
And I feel guilty because being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever had, though when I work outside the home that's all I want is to be home with them. I feel guilt towards other moms. When I complain the kids are driving me crazy, I hear from working moms "I wish I could be home with my kids all the time, I would give anything for that." When I am working and complaining about how hard it is to juggle everything I hear from stay at home moms saying "But you are so lucky to get out and be useful and talk to adults."
For a mother there is no winning. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Do fathers feel this way? Do they long to be a stay at home dad, yet when they are do they long for adult conversation and time away? So they stress themselves over the guilt either way? Maybe some do, but I don't think they do. I am sure they want to be home when they are at work, because who doesn't?
It's only been the past 30-40 years that women have really started leaving their families to work outside the home. In reality that's not a long time for such change in society. Our country has one of the worst policies for maternity leave. Other countries such as Canada and Australia get 1 full year to be with their new babies. In our country most of us mothers are lucky to get 6-8 weeks, and then it's never full pay so our households suffer income loss. How can we be productive in either environment when we are still recovering from having a child? A child at 6 weeks we might not even totally understand yet? Sleep deprived, our bodies still recovering from giving birth, we're expected to go to work and hand over our babies and be productive at our jobs.
I have been very fortunate to have been home with my babies for a decent amount of time. Jake was 12 weeks, Quinn 10 months, Hadley 4 months (but then I went back part time), and Laney has been almost 9 months so far. I am extremely lucky and extremely grateful, I want to make sure I say that. I am grateful to my husband for not pushing me to go back to work, though I know financially it would be easier on us. I am grateful to be the one tucking in my kids every night and waking up with them every morning. I am with them when they are sick. I am with them when they are sweet. I am with them when they are bad. It's me they turn to.
And I am fucking exhausted.
This is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. THE hardest actually. There are no lunch breaks. There is no locking up the house and going home. There's no hitting a snooze button when you just want 5 more minutes of sleep. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because we all know when they are sick, or hurt, or up in the middle of the night, who do they want? Mommy. I know that if I worked they would still want me, and I would still be exhausted, but going to work you are responsible for yourself. You're not wiping co-workers boogers or cleaning their poopy butts. And if you work in an environment like a daycare where you ARE doing that, you still have co-workers to help you out. You get a lunch or break period where you walk away and eat a meal, maybe read a magazine and pee in peace. No one is standing outside the bathroom door crying because they want to come in. When you're eating your lunch, you're not going to have co-workers asking for bites or stealing your chips. If you step outside you're not going to come back to find someone completely destroyed your desk and broke your lamp.
Then when you finally get the opportunity to go out, meet up with other mothers and have lunch, all you do it sit and talk about the kids! Not a bad thing of course, but are men like that? No. Men are allowed to have outside interests. Sports, hobbies, whatever it is. They go for a beer with their friends and talk sports or whatever it is they talk about. You might get a "How's the family?" The answer is "Good." And that's it. Do they talk about cures for diaper rash or trying to trick your toddler into eating more? Nope. Do they have the guilt mothers do when they aren't home? Nope. It's expected fathers have their own lives. Even the kids know it. Usually it's mommy they come to for everything first, THEN daddy as a last resort. Hell even the pets do this. My dog comes to me first if she needs anything. Because she knows at 2am who's going to haul their ass out of bed and put shoes on so she can pee? Mom is.
Then you have the men who say no to having more kids. This ALWAYS cracks me up. Their part takes 5 seconds for the sperm to find the egg. After that, it's 90% the mother. It's just nature. I think they just don't want to be inconvenienced with having to listen to pregnant women bitch or babies cry.
Back to the subject, as a mother I feel like when I escape (yes, I use the word escape) the house child free, I feel like a teenager skipping school. I get so excited I text my friends "Wow, going to get gas KID FREE!" And they understand what a great and wonderful thing that is. Men just leave. It' a bigger deal for them to take a child, then it is not to.
Then when you DO get a planned time out, it's the 3rd degree. When are you coming home? How long will you be gone? Why do you need to sit and talk to your friends for 2 hours? How long does it take to eat lunch? As long as I damn well want it to! I get a break and now it's a limited time frame?
I guess I should be thankful and lucky I get a break, that I get an hour to go and meet up with a friend. Some women don't get even that.
I have made a lot of tough decisions in my life. Some were easy, and some were harder. I consider myself to be a strong person. I have survived having my legs broken in 14 places and my foot crushed to the point they almost amputated. I have survived losing both of my parents at a young age. I have survived an abusive relationship. I have survived asthma that has had me near death more times than I care to count. I have had a total of 14 surgeries in my life, and my body bares 21 scares (yes I have counted, LOL). I live with physical pain everyday from my foot and my knee. I have survived divorce and being a mother in my mother's home.
But none of that can prepare you for the trauma you feel when you make a decision that you know will impact your child. Becoming a mother the first time was the biggest miracle of my life. I only had a short time to enjoy Jake before having to make the decision whether or not to remain married to his father. I made my decision and left, and I don't regret it; however there is still guilt.
Since then I have made some bad decisions about relationships, and also some wonderful ones about creating a new family for my son and myself. I moved away from familiar territory and now my son is in a school district that is helping him so much with learning difficulties. I made the decision to give Jake brothers and sisters, yes a lot of them, but my worst fear was him not having any.
As a mother I have been both a stay at home mom, and a working mother. I have done part time hours, full time hours, crazy hours, steady hours, I have done it all. Each comes with guilt. When Jake was a baby and I worked 6-11pm so he didn't have to go to daycare, I felt guilty I wasn't there to tuck him in at night or feed him dinner. When I worked steady 9-5 I felt guilty because I missed school functions, or sometimes it was Grandma who was there when my babies were sick. When I worked retail and my hours changed at all times, I felt guilty being exhausted all the time, or shuffling them around from here to there, they never knew if I was coming or going. Now that I have been home I feel guilty they are just with me all the time.
And I feel guilty because being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever had, though when I work outside the home that's all I want is to be home with them. I feel guilt towards other moms. When I complain the kids are driving me crazy, I hear from working moms "I wish I could be home with my kids all the time, I would give anything for that." When I am working and complaining about how hard it is to juggle everything I hear from stay at home moms saying "But you are so lucky to get out and be useful and talk to adults."
For a mother there is no winning. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Do fathers feel this way? Do they long to be a stay at home dad, yet when they are do they long for adult conversation and time away? So they stress themselves over the guilt either way? Maybe some do, but I don't think they do. I am sure they want to be home when they are at work, because who doesn't?
It's only been the past 30-40 years that women have really started leaving their families to work outside the home. In reality that's not a long time for such change in society. Our country has one of the worst policies for maternity leave. Other countries such as Canada and Australia get 1 full year to be with their new babies. In our country most of us mothers are lucky to get 6-8 weeks, and then it's never full pay so our households suffer income loss. How can we be productive in either environment when we are still recovering from having a child? A child at 6 weeks we might not even totally understand yet? Sleep deprived, our bodies still recovering from giving birth, we're expected to go to work and hand over our babies and be productive at our jobs.
I have been very fortunate to have been home with my babies for a decent amount of time. Jake was 12 weeks, Quinn 10 months, Hadley 4 months (but then I went back part time), and Laney has been almost 9 months so far. I am extremely lucky and extremely grateful, I want to make sure I say that. I am grateful to my husband for not pushing me to go back to work, though I know financially it would be easier on us. I am grateful to be the one tucking in my kids every night and waking up with them every morning. I am with them when they are sick. I am with them when they are sweet. I am with them when they are bad. It's me they turn to.
And I am fucking exhausted.
This is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. THE hardest actually. There are no lunch breaks. There is no locking up the house and going home. There's no hitting a snooze button when you just want 5 more minutes of sleep. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because we all know when they are sick, or hurt, or up in the middle of the night, who do they want? Mommy. I know that if I worked they would still want me, and I would still be exhausted, but going to work you are responsible for yourself. You're not wiping co-workers boogers or cleaning their poopy butts. And if you work in an environment like a daycare where you ARE doing that, you still have co-workers to help you out. You get a lunch or break period where you walk away and eat a meal, maybe read a magazine and pee in peace. No one is standing outside the bathroom door crying because they want to come in. When you're eating your lunch, you're not going to have co-workers asking for bites or stealing your chips. If you step outside you're not going to come back to find someone completely destroyed your desk and broke your lamp.
Then when you finally get the opportunity to go out, meet up with other mothers and have lunch, all you do it sit and talk about the kids! Not a bad thing of course, but are men like that? No. Men are allowed to have outside interests. Sports, hobbies, whatever it is. They go for a beer with their friends and talk sports or whatever it is they talk about. You might get a "How's the family?" The answer is "Good." And that's it. Do they talk about cures for diaper rash or trying to trick your toddler into eating more? Nope. Do they have the guilt mothers do when they aren't home? Nope. It's expected fathers have their own lives. Even the kids know it. Usually it's mommy they come to for everything first, THEN daddy as a last resort. Hell even the pets do this. My dog comes to me first if she needs anything. Because she knows at 2am who's going to haul their ass out of bed and put shoes on so she can pee? Mom is.
Then you have the men who say no to having more kids. This ALWAYS cracks me up. Their part takes 5 seconds for the sperm to find the egg. After that, it's 90% the mother. It's just nature. I think they just don't want to be inconvenienced with having to listen to pregnant women bitch or babies cry.
Back to the subject, as a mother I feel like when I escape (yes, I use the word escape) the house child free, I feel like a teenager skipping school. I get so excited I text my friends "Wow, going to get gas KID FREE!" And they understand what a great and wonderful thing that is. Men just leave. It' a bigger deal for them to take a child, then it is not to.
Then when you DO get a planned time out, it's the 3rd degree. When are you coming home? How long will you be gone? Why do you need to sit and talk to your friends for 2 hours? How long does it take to eat lunch? As long as I damn well want it to! I get a break and now it's a limited time frame?
I guess I should be thankful and lucky I get a break, that I get an hour to go and meet up with a friend. Some women don't get even that.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Are we in the tundra?
I didn't want to write about anything too deep after yesterday's tear jerker post. So after taking the dog out (AGAIN) I decided I am writing about the cold weather.
I love winter, don't get me wrong. I HATE the heat of the summer, I hate being outside in the heat, unless I am at the beach. To me the best part of summer is the 1 week I get to sit on the beach and listen to the ocean. It's bearable there, but at home I want to curl up in my air conditioned bedroom and stay there until October hits. I hate sweating, I hate my house because it's like a brick oven in the summer. I hate the noise my window air conditioners make constantly. I hate the astronomical electrical bills from said air conditioners.
As many of you know, I avoid the sun like the plague. I burn even with baby 50 spf on; I don't want wrinkley, sun-exposed skin. I should have been a vampire. In the summer people EXPECT you to be outside, play with the kids in the sweltering heat, go to picnics, etc. Yuck yuck.
So fall and winter is my favorite time of year. I don't mind the cold, I LOVE snow. I love when it's snowing and everything looks so pretty. I love my cozy warm house; I love flannel sheets.
And the best part about winter? I get to feed my coat and hat obsession with my kids.
I admit I have a problem, I am OBSESSED with hats and coats for them. Delaney currently has 3 winter coats and about 6 winter hats. I rotate them, and only a few are hand-me-downs from Hadley. Quinn and Hadley both have 2 coats and a few hats each. I start obsessing about the next year's coats around January when coats go on clearance. All 3 already have their coats for next year, and then some!
In a nutshell, I love winter. However, this arctic weather has got to go. Single digits temps is NOT fun by a long shot. Having your snot freeze up on your face is not attractive, no matter how cute your coat or hat may be. My kids have cabin fever because it's been too cold to even go and play in the snow. So instead they are inside and driving me insane. With no money to spare, what can I do with them? Be one of those pathetic mall mommies? No thanks. I hate shopping, and I hate the mall even more. And if I am there I want to spend money, which I don't have. At the mall it's too easy to start my swimsuit obsession for them. I have already tried their suits on and been shopping online for cute suits for them. Delaney already has 2, and I am eyeing up one or two more online. LOVE swimsuits! So that rules that out. The movies is OK, but that's more sitting for them and loading up on candy and sugar, which makes the craziness at home even worse.
Keeping them cooped up is not good for my mental health. I am a homebody by nature, I don't venture out too often. I like the comfort of my home, where I can wear my pajamas all day and no make-up. I like lounging on my couch and taking naps. Being in a crowd of people stresses me, especially if they are strangers. So I need an extra happy pill if I try one of those Bounce places or something. The only way I like going out is if it involves a meal prepared and served by someone else. I hate cooking just as much as I hate summer heat. And then there's the money factor again. It's a vicious circle of doom.
So here I am waiting for spring, even though that means the stupid summer is right around the corner. Sigh.
I love winter, don't get me wrong. I HATE the heat of the summer, I hate being outside in the heat, unless I am at the beach. To me the best part of summer is the 1 week I get to sit on the beach and listen to the ocean. It's bearable there, but at home I want to curl up in my air conditioned bedroom and stay there until October hits. I hate sweating, I hate my house because it's like a brick oven in the summer. I hate the noise my window air conditioners make constantly. I hate the astronomical electrical bills from said air conditioners.
As many of you know, I avoid the sun like the plague. I burn even with baby 50 spf on; I don't want wrinkley, sun-exposed skin. I should have been a vampire. In the summer people EXPECT you to be outside, play with the kids in the sweltering heat, go to picnics, etc. Yuck yuck.
So fall and winter is my favorite time of year. I don't mind the cold, I LOVE snow. I love when it's snowing and everything looks so pretty. I love my cozy warm house; I love flannel sheets.
And the best part about winter? I get to feed my coat and hat obsession with my kids.
I admit I have a problem, I am OBSESSED with hats and coats for them. Delaney currently has 3 winter coats and about 6 winter hats. I rotate them, and only a few are hand-me-downs from Hadley. Quinn and Hadley both have 2 coats and a few hats each. I start obsessing about the next year's coats around January when coats go on clearance. All 3 already have their coats for next year, and then some!
In a nutshell, I love winter. However, this arctic weather has got to go. Single digits temps is NOT fun by a long shot. Having your snot freeze up on your face is not attractive, no matter how cute your coat or hat may be. My kids have cabin fever because it's been too cold to even go and play in the snow. So instead they are inside and driving me insane. With no money to spare, what can I do with them? Be one of those pathetic mall mommies? No thanks. I hate shopping, and I hate the mall even more. And if I am there I want to spend money, which I don't have. At the mall it's too easy to start my swimsuit obsession for them. I have already tried their suits on and been shopping online for cute suits for them. Delaney already has 2, and I am eyeing up one or two more online. LOVE swimsuits! So that rules that out. The movies is OK, but that's more sitting for them and loading up on candy and sugar, which makes the craziness at home even worse.
Keeping them cooped up is not good for my mental health. I am a homebody by nature, I don't venture out too often. I like the comfort of my home, where I can wear my pajamas all day and no make-up. I like lounging on my couch and taking naps. Being in a crowd of people stresses me, especially if they are strangers. So I need an extra happy pill if I try one of those Bounce places or something. The only way I like going out is if it involves a meal prepared and served by someone else. I hate cooking just as much as I hate summer heat. And then there's the money factor again. It's a vicious circle of doom.
So here I am waiting for spring, even though that means the stupid summer is right around the corner. Sigh.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
"Were you alone when your parents died?"
This is a question my son Quinn asked me today. Out of the blue. He asks a lot about what happened and when it happened, he asks to see their urns (yes they are both on my book shelf) and wonders if they can see him in return. Sometimes I don't know how to answer his questions. I am not religious, I am an atheist. I don't believe in a higher power or being created in 7 days and the whole Adam and Eve thing. I believe in evolution, I am scientific in thought. However, how do I answer my 5 year old when he asks if my parents can see him?
Religion is based on a belief system, many people believe different things. Jesus, Buddah, etc. I happen to not need to believe in those things, but I can understand that people do need to. I guess I need to believe my parents are with us. However they are is a mystery, but I KNOW they are. Just as I know I finally got my girl, NO, two girls because somewhere my mom pulled some strings.
My mother, as most of you who knew her know, LOVED babies. She loved kids, loved babies, wanted a ton of grandchildren. When Jake was born he literally light up her whole world. It was love at first positive pregnancy test for her. Jake and my mother shared an intense bond, and most of my pain over her illness and death was because of Jake losing her. When I met Jared she accepted Cody and Kyle with open arms. They were just as spoiled as Jake. She took them shopping (her favorite thing to do was shop and spoil people). At my 29th birthday, right in front of Jared before we were even married, she gave me a nightie and told him "I want more grandchildren." Four months later I was pregnant with Quinn. She screamed with excitement when I told her I was pregnant with him. She was in Ocean City that weekend and of course, came home with baby stuff already! She was so thrilled. Then she got sick. And she never got to meet Quinn or hold him. After she died I found bags of baby clothing and blankets and bibs and all kinds of stuff in her closet. Some boy and some girl. Her hope for a granddaughter never died, and I truly believe after 4 boys Jared and I were blessed with two sweet baby girls because she had something to do with it. She would have been ecstatic over all of them, over having 6 beautiful grandchildren to spoil and love.
She has come to me a few times in my dreams with baby advice. She told me how to fix Quinn's bottle issues and also how to fix Hadley's terrible colic. I wish she would tell me how to get Delaney to sleep through the night already! But I don't think she knows that one since my brother didn't sleep through til 2 years old!
When I look at Delaney I see my mother. I have said that from the moment she was born. Laney looks like my baby pictures, and I see myself in her a lot. Of course I then see my mother. She has my mother's mouth and chin, the same cleft chin my mom had. She has darker hair like my mother, and a more olive complexion. As you all know Jared and I are the palest people and Quinn and Hadley are practically transparent. It breaks my heart my mom isn't here to enjoy them.
I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. But for the life of me I can't find the reason my parents are gone so soon. Yes it has made me, and my brother for sure, stronger people. We stand more on our own two feet. Financially it helped Jared and I buy our house, but I would rather still be renting and have them here. I will say I am terrified of getting older. My father was 54 and my mother 55 when they died. Those ages loom in my future like a big black hole. I am terrified to be gone in 20 years and miss my children's adulthoods. Miss my girls getting married and having their babies. Miss my grandchildren, miss years with Jared traveling like we want to. Of course I know there's no guarantee I will die then, just like I could die tomorrow or when I am 105 for all I know.
So back to the original question "Were you alone when your parents died?" No, thankfully I wasn't. My dad was with my mother watching a movie on a Saturday night, and he had a stroke and died. I wasn't there, I didn't get to say good-bye. I was with a guy I was dating at the time Mike, he stayed with us all night and cleaned up the mess from the paramedics. I will be forever grateful to him for that. I wasn't there when my mother died either, but I wasn't alone. Jared, Jonathan, Beth, my mom's best friend Georgie, and I were all at the hospital for hours, we knew the end was near. She wasn't coherent, I don't know if she knew we were there. I was 6 months pregnant with Quinn and finally at 10pm we left to get something to eat and some rest. We ordered a pizza, Jonathan and Beth left to go home, and we all went to bed. At 12:20am I got the phone call from the hospital. It had happened a little after midnight. We went back to the hospital and sat with her for a little while, and then we went home and Jared was with me. And of course the tiny life in my belly, so no Quinn I wasn't alone. You were there with me.
Religion is based on a belief system, many people believe different things. Jesus, Buddah, etc. I happen to not need to believe in those things, but I can understand that people do need to. I guess I need to believe my parents are with us. However they are is a mystery, but I KNOW they are. Just as I know I finally got my girl, NO, two girls because somewhere my mom pulled some strings.
My mother, as most of you who knew her know, LOVED babies. She loved kids, loved babies, wanted a ton of grandchildren. When Jake was born he literally light up her whole world. It was love at first positive pregnancy test for her. Jake and my mother shared an intense bond, and most of my pain over her illness and death was because of Jake losing her. When I met Jared she accepted Cody and Kyle with open arms. They were just as spoiled as Jake. She took them shopping (her favorite thing to do was shop and spoil people). At my 29th birthday, right in front of Jared before we were even married, she gave me a nightie and told him "I want more grandchildren." Four months later I was pregnant with Quinn. She screamed with excitement when I told her I was pregnant with him. She was in Ocean City that weekend and of course, came home with baby stuff already! She was so thrilled. Then she got sick. And she never got to meet Quinn or hold him. After she died I found bags of baby clothing and blankets and bibs and all kinds of stuff in her closet. Some boy and some girl. Her hope for a granddaughter never died, and I truly believe after 4 boys Jared and I were blessed with two sweet baby girls because she had something to do with it. She would have been ecstatic over all of them, over having 6 beautiful grandchildren to spoil and love.
She has come to me a few times in my dreams with baby advice. She told me how to fix Quinn's bottle issues and also how to fix Hadley's terrible colic. I wish she would tell me how to get Delaney to sleep through the night already! But I don't think she knows that one since my brother didn't sleep through til 2 years old!
When I look at Delaney I see my mother. I have said that from the moment she was born. Laney looks like my baby pictures, and I see myself in her a lot. Of course I then see my mother. She has my mother's mouth and chin, the same cleft chin my mom had. She has darker hair like my mother, and a more olive complexion. As you all know Jared and I are the palest people and Quinn and Hadley are practically transparent. It breaks my heart my mom isn't here to enjoy them.
I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. But for the life of me I can't find the reason my parents are gone so soon. Yes it has made me, and my brother for sure, stronger people. We stand more on our own two feet. Financially it helped Jared and I buy our house, but I would rather still be renting and have them here. I will say I am terrified of getting older. My father was 54 and my mother 55 when they died. Those ages loom in my future like a big black hole. I am terrified to be gone in 20 years and miss my children's adulthoods. Miss my girls getting married and having their babies. Miss my grandchildren, miss years with Jared traveling like we want to. Of course I know there's no guarantee I will die then, just like I could die tomorrow or when I am 105 for all I know.
So back to the original question "Were you alone when your parents died?" No, thankfully I wasn't. My dad was with my mother watching a movie on a Saturday night, and he had a stroke and died. I wasn't there, I didn't get to say good-bye. I was with a guy I was dating at the time Mike, he stayed with us all night and cleaned up the mess from the paramedics. I will be forever grateful to him for that. I wasn't there when my mother died either, but I wasn't alone. Jared, Jonathan, Beth, my mom's best friend Georgie, and I were all at the hospital for hours, we knew the end was near. She wasn't coherent, I don't know if she knew we were there. I was 6 months pregnant with Quinn and finally at 10pm we left to get something to eat and some rest. We ordered a pizza, Jonathan and Beth left to go home, and we all went to bed. At 12:20am I got the phone call from the hospital. It had happened a little after midnight. We went back to the hospital and sat with her for a little while, and then we went home and Jared was with me. And of course the tiny life in my belly, so no Quinn I wasn't alone. You were there with me.
Friday, January 21, 2011
My first blog
This is my first blog ever. I don't know how many will read it or be interested in it, but here it is.
My blog address says it all. Just the 8 of us Greens. Though technically Jake isn't a Green, we say he is when he's with us in our family. I can't imagine how strange it is for Cody, Kyle, and Jake to have 2 different families. Two different houses, two different room. Well, Cody doesn't live here or have a room here, but still. I often wonder what life they like better? It's crazy and chaotic and loud here. At Kyle's mom's house I bet it's quiet and calm. I think it's the same for Jake either way, LOL.
The main thing Jared and I hear always is "WHOA! You have SIX kids??" Yes, yes we do. Was that intended? I don't know. When we got married we didn't say "Oh we will have a ton of kids." It just happened. Yours mine and ours. It's a lot, but honestly it's 6x the love, 6x the worries, and 6x the fun. Jared and I go to bed every night thankful and grateful that all of them are happy, healthy, and relatively good kids, LOL.
Last year we took our first family vacation with all 6 of them, plus 2 girlfriends. 10 of us. At first the thought overwhelmed me, but it turned out to be the best vacation we have ever had. It just works. The little ones adore the big ones, the big ones help out with the little ones, and in between there's fighting, annoyance, tons of laundry, huge messes, lots of laughter, and tons of hugs. I am grateful everyday for our life and my family.
Growing up family has always been extremely important to me. Mine was very small. My brother and I didn't get along well, which I guess is usual if there's 5 years between you. We didn't have much in common. My Dad worked 3rd shift so I saw him rarely, my Mom worked retail, so there were night she wasn't home. We didn't spend much time with family other than visits with my mom's parents a few times a year. I have no cousins on her side, my Dad's side there's cousins but we weren't that close to them. We moved away and it was us, the 4 of us. And I honestly think half the time we didn't like one another that much. I always wanted a big family to sit around the kitchen table, lots of talking and laughing. Now we have it. We have 8 chairs at our table and every one of them is full.
Jared grew up the total opposite of me. He is the youngest of 6. His oldest brother is 10 years older, so 6 kids in 10 years. That amazes me. It sounds like they were all close and happy, Delaney is the 22nd grandchild (I think) and there are 13 great-grandchildren and 2 more babies on the way! My kids have the family I always dreamed of. Chances are around here if you meet a Green, we're related! LOL.
I think I had to let go of a lot of my inner "stuff" to adjust to our lives. As I sit here Quinn and Hadley are chasing each other around the house, literally. It's never quiet here, and if it is there's something wrong. Delaney is jumping in her jumperoo yelling at the top of her lungs, the dog is trying to sniff the car who is NOT having it, and half our family isn't even home yet! There are toys and dog hair everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink and dishwasher, laundry piling up, the driveway has to be shoveled, and it's just another day in our lives. I had to let go of what I consider to be a "clean" house, and just deal with the messes as best I can. My car will never be pretty and spotless. In my head I keep a tally of everyone's clothing sizes, shoe sizes, birthdays, likes, dislikes, favorite colors, so when I see a sale I pounce on it! LOL clothing and buying shoes for them all is expensive. But they all have what the need and when they need it, somehow we make it work.
My blog address says it all. Just the 8 of us Greens. Though technically Jake isn't a Green, we say he is when he's with us in our family. I can't imagine how strange it is for Cody, Kyle, and Jake to have 2 different families. Two different houses, two different room. Well, Cody doesn't live here or have a room here, but still. I often wonder what life they like better? It's crazy and chaotic and loud here. At Kyle's mom's house I bet it's quiet and calm. I think it's the same for Jake either way, LOL.
The main thing Jared and I hear always is "WHOA! You have SIX kids??" Yes, yes we do. Was that intended? I don't know. When we got married we didn't say "Oh we will have a ton of kids." It just happened. Yours mine and ours. It's a lot, but honestly it's 6x the love, 6x the worries, and 6x the fun. Jared and I go to bed every night thankful and grateful that all of them are happy, healthy, and relatively good kids, LOL.
Last year we took our first family vacation with all 6 of them, plus 2 girlfriends. 10 of us. At first the thought overwhelmed me, but it turned out to be the best vacation we have ever had. It just works. The little ones adore the big ones, the big ones help out with the little ones, and in between there's fighting, annoyance, tons of laundry, huge messes, lots of laughter, and tons of hugs. I am grateful everyday for our life and my family.
Growing up family has always been extremely important to me. Mine was very small. My brother and I didn't get along well, which I guess is usual if there's 5 years between you. We didn't have much in common. My Dad worked 3rd shift so I saw him rarely, my Mom worked retail, so there were night she wasn't home. We didn't spend much time with family other than visits with my mom's parents a few times a year. I have no cousins on her side, my Dad's side there's cousins but we weren't that close to them. We moved away and it was us, the 4 of us. And I honestly think half the time we didn't like one another that much. I always wanted a big family to sit around the kitchen table, lots of talking and laughing. Now we have it. We have 8 chairs at our table and every one of them is full.
Jared grew up the total opposite of me. He is the youngest of 6. His oldest brother is 10 years older, so 6 kids in 10 years. That amazes me. It sounds like they were all close and happy, Delaney is the 22nd grandchild (I think) and there are 13 great-grandchildren and 2 more babies on the way! My kids have the family I always dreamed of. Chances are around here if you meet a Green, we're related! LOL.
I think I had to let go of a lot of my inner "stuff" to adjust to our lives. As I sit here Quinn and Hadley are chasing each other around the house, literally. It's never quiet here, and if it is there's something wrong. Delaney is jumping in her jumperoo yelling at the top of her lungs, the dog is trying to sniff the car who is NOT having it, and half our family isn't even home yet! There are toys and dog hair everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink and dishwasher, laundry piling up, the driveway has to be shoveled, and it's just another day in our lives. I had to let go of what I consider to be a "clean" house, and just deal with the messes as best I can. My car will never be pretty and spotless. In my head I keep a tally of everyone's clothing sizes, shoe sizes, birthdays, likes, dislikes, favorite colors, so when I see a sale I pounce on it! LOL clothing and buying shoes for them all is expensive. But they all have what the need and when they need it, somehow we make it work.
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